I havent been online for a bit. A whole trunk load of stuff has happened within the last few weeks and i will post about the soon. So many things have made me look at life from a different perspective these days and I feel like I’ve learned so much more.
Here’s something I’ve never told anyone before. “I am a low key social outcast” there it is, out in the open. No one ever really realizes this because I hide it beneath a sort of loud personality but it’s true. Just the other day my friends had a get together at a friend’s house and I didn’t go. The thing is, I never go. I look at group pictures and figure I’m never really part of them, I’ve never been to most of my friends homes, I’m basically a loner. Well, a social loner.
This has happened before, countless times I have bailed on being a part of these sorts of things but the thing that makes this time different from the others is the fact that this time I realized that I really have let time pass me by. I only have a couple more months with these people until I’ll possibly never see them again and I’m throwing them away. This made me feel kind of pale inside. I actually thought about it for a long time and after attempting to pin the blame on my mother because some times in the past she hasn’t let me go out and that just makes me feel as if I shouldn’t even ask for fear of her saying no, I’ve come to understand that I shouldn’t blame anyone but myself. I’m neutral. I never really lean on one end because I feel like something can go wrong, I don’t anticipate, I hope but I don’t put my mind to it. Neutral isn’t good. For that reason I don’t really fit anywhere. Now I don’t ask because I have gotten myself to believe that I would always get a no. That has become my problem, I’ve stopped trying. Though some people didn’t go for this get together, it really got to me that I didn’t. I’m going to start trying now at least if I’m not allowed I can say it wasn’t my fault without feeling like a liar.